Eating Disorder Referral and Information Center

International Eating Disorder Referral Organization

Perfectionism

When you were in school, did your parents ever encourage you to make a ‘C’ on your report card? I don’t mean pat you on the back and tell you that if you just tried hard enough you could make a ‘C’ instead of an ‘F.’ No, I mean --- did your parents ever prefer a ‘C’ over an ‘A’? My parents actually reached a point where they could not handle anymore of my straight ‘A’s. It is not that they really minded the actual piece of paper with the ‘A’s all lined up in a nice little row. And I am sure that they probably enjoyed driving around with the bumper sticker throughout my life that said, “My child is an honor student at ---.” But what they did not enjoy was my constant crying and fretting over grades. In tears, I would more often than not say, “I just know I am going to fail.” (Translation: I am going to get an A.) In college, my parents finally told me, “Jenni, we want you to relax more. We want you to have more fun. We would actually be really happy if you made a C next semester instead of another 4.00.”

My parents never said those same words to my two bothers, because Steven and Jeffery do not define themselves by a standard of perfection. My brothers are not perfectionists.
But I have been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember. I always wanted to get everything right and make everyone happy. And I wanted to be the perfect size. In dance class, at four-years-old I worried about my size compared to the other girls. I wanted to be the best little girl in the room.

As I grew older, I came to believe that the one thing in my life that could always be perfect was my size. Even though other people might be able to control certain aspects of my life, no one could tell me what to eat and how much to weigh. Maybe a professor in college could put a really difficult question on a test, but she could not force me to eat dinner. Sound ridiculous? Well, it made perfect sense to me.

Perfect grades were not all I wanted. No, I was a well-rounded perfectionist. Throughout school, I wanted to be involved in every extracurricular activity available --- from honor societies, athletics, choirs, bands, to volunteer and leadership organizations. And I didn’t just want to be merely involved. I wanted to be --- no, I needed to be --- the best. I was in the varsity show choir. I was in the top band. I was on the ‘A’ volleyball team (as opposed to the ‘B’ team). I learned that even sometimes when you are in the top show choir, you still miss a word in a song. And sometimes in a volleyball game, you don’t get the ball over the net. You can’t always be perfect. But as long as I was thin, it didn’t really matter. Being thin was my safety net. It was what I fell back on when I failed at anything else. When I wasn’t perfect at something in my life, I always said, “At least I am thin.” I thought my size was perfect.

My size was not perfect. I actually had an eating disorder. My eating disorder told me that the one thing I could always hold onto and be perfect at was my size. The one thing that no one could ever take control over was what I ate and how much I ate. So I believed those messages and stayed trapped in a disease of misery.

Finally, I decided to fight my way through my eating disorder. To overcome my eating disorder, I had to first stare my perfectionism in the face. I had to let go of my safety net. Today when I do less than perfect at something, I cannot simply use the disclaimer, “At least I am thin.” Today if I miss a word when I am singing, I have to face the fact that I actually messed up, that I am simply less than perfect. I am learning to experience the feelings and move on, rather than be tortured by my fear and shame. In the past, I just stuffed all the feelings I associated with failure deep inside and said to myself, “At least I am thin.” Of course, those unexpressed feelings only led me deeper into the depths of the eating disorder that almost destroyed my life.

Today I am grateful to be on the other side of my eating disorder and am living an amazing life, a life filled with A’s and B’s and C’s, and even the occasional F. I am told that it is all about the learning, not about the grades, and that when we learn from failure, it becomes a success.
Am I completely over my perfectionism?
No. Not yet.
But who’s perfect?


Tips for Battling Perfectionism:
I was taught by psychotherapist and author, Thom Rutledge, to personify perfectionism. Name it. Describe what it looks like. I named my perfectionism, “Ms. Perfectionist,” sometimes I call her “Ms. P.”

Separate from perfectionism. Dialog with your perfectionism. I found it helpful to write these conversations in a journal and role-play with another person. An example of a dialog between me and my perfectionism follows:

AGREEING & OBEYING
Ms. P: How could you miss that word in the song?
Jenni: I feel horrible. Do you think anyone noticed?
Ms. P: Yes. Now you need to triple your practice time.
Jenni: Okay

After learning to distinguish between your true voice and that of your perfectionism, practice disagreeing with the negative comments. Thom taught me to disagree even when I still obeyed my perfectionism:

DISAGREEING, STILL OBEYING
Ms. P: How could you miss that word in the song?
Jenni: Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect.
Ms. P: You still need to triple your practice time to make up for what you did today.
Jenni: Okay.

Separate, disagree, and disobey:

DISAGREEING & DISOBEYING
Ms. P: How could you miss that word in the song?
Jenni: Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect.
Ms. P: You still need to triple your practice time to make up for what you did today.
Jenni: No. I won’t do it.

5. Practice. But remember, as Thom says, practice makes practice --- not perfect.



Jenni Schaefer is a singer/songwriter, speaker, and the author of Life Without Ed: How One Woman Declared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too (McGraw-Hill). She is a consultant and spokesperson with Center for Change in Orem, UT. For more information, visit www.jennischaefer.com  or email jenni@jennischaefer.com .


The views and opinions expressed in this article are strictly those of the author and are presented without editing. The opinions expressed herein do not necessarily reflect the position or the policy of EDReferral.com, and no official endorsement by EDReferral.com of the opinions expressed herein should be inferred.

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